he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
