yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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