Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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