i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
