Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
