I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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