I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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