Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
