you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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