Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
