nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
