So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
