Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
