Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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