Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
