I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize