I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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