Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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