Can i not drive my cunt home
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
