No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
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