Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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