I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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