Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
