The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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