I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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