hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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