dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
