so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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