when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
MIDGETS
????
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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