porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
