maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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