you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
