he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
