Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
