I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
