I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize