Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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