you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
