Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
