Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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