and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
