we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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