Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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