Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
