did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
