god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
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SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
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The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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