Your mouth is God's brothel.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
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I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
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I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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