there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
