Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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