My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
