Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
