i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
