if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize